Idea for modern diet plan.

So I don’t watch TV much. I didn’t own one until my girlfriend moved in. For those of you that share my displeasure of watching advert reels every seven seconds that sell you their product the way a maniac would smother a victim with a cushion, this one is for you. From the honeymoon holiday ads that promise a childless empty swimming pool all year round so you can romantically fornicate in peace under a starry sky, to the bank that tells you it’s actually your friend and although momentarily sorry for it’s earth shattering hiccups of yesterday, would at a moments notice, be willing to even come round and offer you a handjob should you feel the desire.

Anyways, that’s not my point. We already know the advertising industry is sick place where everyone looks like a character from a Francis Bacon painting and crouches behind your sofa at night gathering ideas on how to sell you shit.

My point is how nasty diet adverts are. And what is ‘A proper dinner’? Weight watchers image of a proper dinner was a single runner bean being spooned onto a plate to join two famine-suffering new potatoes.

Now I’m not on a diet, but if I was I think I would have devised the perfect diet. You see most of these revolve around pretending to come up with a product that slims you or that works with your bodily functions or metabolism when really all it’s doing is making you forget the fact that you’ve gone from eating a sack of cheese based fried things to eating a daily pot of something that looks like it’s made for people that have lost ability to chew.

So without further ado, let me introduce my diet, bullshit and all;

The Sausage diet.

“Hey there tubby! Did you know that eating three sausages a day actually lowers your heart rate and boots your metabolism into speedy action. Simply follow this easy to use daily plan and watch the inches fall off your chubby little backside. Good luck! And remember, buy any 10 pack of sausages and get a free tub of ice cream, you worthless pudding, you!”

Breakfast – 1 Sausage (dry). Then go for a very long run.

Lunch – 1 Sausage (dry). Then go for another run.

Dinner – 1 sausage (dry). Have a run.

Much Love,

T x

Camden Mexican Cuisine

Dear Owner of the Renault Clio parked somewhere on Lee Park.

I am writing to you to confess that it was I, Thomas, who did barf over your bonet. It was I, too who got out an old napkin to wipe it off but just smeared it further then left the napkin to congeal to the bottom half of the windscreen.

I cannot imagine the obsenities roared on Tuesday morning when you stepped outside your house with a bagful of resolutions and a hopeful heart, when all you really got was my Camden Town Mexican food emptied onto the front portion of your car.

To be fair though, my toilet probably got it worse, for the most part the food was already digested and exited rather violently and audibly when I got home.

Sorry again, I hope there’s no bad vibes between us.

Many Thanks,

Thomas x