A conversation with a drunk…

Dear Lovers,

The other night, I was walking back along the Strand.

What I didn’t expect to see was a utterly smashed man ‘suited and booted’ standing pretty much in the middle of street urinating. As I approached I decided that this behavior was just ungentlemanly and I won’t tolerate it, especially since I was holding it in until I got to Oscar Wilde’s portable toilet.

So I gave him a rollicking “That’s disgusting, your disgusting”. Obviously at distance from being sprayed. He muttered some threatening grumbles about how he was going to fight me, as he fought to try and not urinate on his own heavily polished soon to spoiled ‘smart’ shoes.

I then advised him of the portable toilet near the Oscar Wilde monument and he preceded to take one step forward and one step back.

I received a thumbs up from a passerby and some friendly people started taunting the unlucky drunk chap. Not noticing a friendly woman filming me and him, I started to give him a lecture on responsible drinking and responsible weeing, as he started to hug a homeless woman in a wheel chair who was having non of it and set her uber-passive dog on him. It was all a very British-like.

It reminded me that in Japan, it’s actually legal for businessmen to urinate in public. I think we should stand up more against this ‘suit and booted’ aggression on our streets! Then this afternoon, a pleasant weekend stroll to a city centre cafe and a walker crashes into the back of me, huffs and tuts and then continues to storm around the corner. ( Hey, I’m walking ereeeeeee)

So I shouted out I did;

“Hey, you walked into me….!”
Walker turns and looks behind at me, while continuing to walk at speed..
“Yeah but I didn’t say anything”
How fun it would have been if he crashed into the Scientologist standing in front of him at that point!
“Yeah exactly, you walked into me and tutted buddy. Have a nice day”

This aggression will not stand!



Mondays are rubbish!

May or may not have sent this to HR by mistake….


I would like to complain about the boy that sits next to me ?????? ??????.

This afternoon, when I was having a rest from the screen after working the whole day. He decided to take the date stamp and stamp my wrist. I now have today’s date stamped on my wrist in red ink.

I think that not only will it stay for a couple of days, and be out of date. It is also a waste of company resources.

I knew that he had done it on purpose as he smiled afterwards and didn’t apologise.

Yours Sincerely,


The Six Million Dollar Ken.

Whenever there’s an important decision to be made within the band we like to make it in a mature manner – we rock-paper-scissors it. Take for example our new EP. Sanch wanted to call it Dionysus and Equidae or something. I wanted to call it Money Men. Despite the fact that Dionysus… may well be a better title than Money Men, we rock-paper-scissored it and I won. Eat shit Sanch. I can now reveal my secret as serialised in a popular US TV show: “Gentlemen – we can rebuild him. We have the technology.” I present to you the robot (Jan)ken.



Now bear with me a minute because I’m not very good at this stuff. I will word this as simply as I know how. In scenario form.

Me: Good Morning, I’d like to make a claim on my insurance.
Them: Certainly, Sir. But before you do, you have to pay us some of the money you are going to claim.
Me: But I already pay. Every month. No Fair!
Them: Of course it’s fucking fair, Sir. We are an insurance company, would we screw you over?
Me: Well, I’m beginning to wonder. So can you break down all this payment business for me?
Them: Of course we can sir, you stupid bastard. You pay us each month – a smidgen of it being admin fees – in the hope that by the time you claim you have already covered what we will shell out for. Then just so we don’t lose out on anything, we take a little bit of the money we will supposedly ‘give’ BACK to you. It’s called excess. It’s worded like we both win, but actually we win. You may as well not have insurance and just keep a box of money under your bed and hope that too doesn’t get stolen with the rest of your shit. I can tell you this now as you’ve already paid us enough money to make it worth while. Is there anything else I can help you with today, Sir?
Me: Erm…
Them: No? Good, thank you for your call. It is important to us. You cock.

Fair assumption of ‘interest’? Please englighten me if I have a missed a crucial point.

Much love Tx

No fun for Jim’s dad…

I was at the Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zero’s gig the other night. A very pleasant evening. Then I get hit by a plastic cup with warm beer in it, I presume for standing up (please note – the band themselves were of stage at this point). I turned round ready to rumble, armed with my very own plastic cup with warm beer in, ready to pounce and I’m staring directly at the only seated guy.

Frozen as I realised….. “HOLY SHIT, Jim’s Dad!”;

Seconds after working out it wasn’t Jim’s dad and still in shock (as I was expecting someone a lot younger – with less respect for a £5 warm beer). I may have given a little verbal abuse and most definitely did let rip with a good old fashioned laugh when the next song started and everyone was on their feet dancing.

What is it with the old folks these days!

Goodnight and look after each other X S


Today I saw a guy’s wig blow away in the wind. No disrespect to fellas that wear wigs. Fair enough really. I can’t imagine the annoyance and embarressment some guys feel.

Anyways, this guys wasn’t subtle about his haystack. It was a blonde thatch, and his features were fairly dark. Well, he was Indian actually.

This wig was obviously very important to him as he pelted after it for sometime before climbing over a short wall to unhook it from the low branch of a hedge.

The final kick in the nads I imagine, was that when he put it back on there was a disguarded fag butt and a twig in it. It wasn’t even this that invited ridicule- it was more that he put it on backwards so that the back of his head had a center parting…And a fag butt swinging in the breeze.

Much love x