A conversation with a drunk…

Dear Lovers,

The other night, I was walking back along the Strand.

What I didn’t expect to see was a utterly smashed man ‘suited and booted’ standing pretty much in the middle of street urinating. As I approached I decided that this behavior was just ungentlemanly and I won’t tolerate it, especially since I was holding it in until I got to Oscar Wilde’s portable toilet.

So I gave him a rollicking “That’s disgusting, your disgusting”. Obviously at distance from being sprayed. He muttered some threatening grumbles about how he was going to fight me, as he fought to try and not urinate on his own heavily polished soon to spoiled ‘smart’ shoes.

I then advised him of the portable toilet near the Oscar Wilde monument and he preceded to take one step forward and one step back.

I received a thumbs up from a passerby and some friendly people started taunting the unlucky drunk chap. Not noticing a friendly woman filming me and him, I started to give him a lecture on responsible drinking and responsible weeing, as he started to hug a homeless woman in a wheel chair who was having non of it and set her uber-passive dog on him. It was all a very British-like.

It reminded me that in Japan, it’s actually legal for businessmen to urinate in public. I think we should stand up more against this ‘suit and booted’ aggression on our streets! Then this afternoon, a pleasant weekend stroll to a city centre cafe and a walker crashes into the back of me, huffs and tuts and then continues to storm around the corner. ( Hey, I’m walking ereeeeeee)

So I shouted out I did;

“Hey, you walked into me….!”
Walker turns and looks behind at me, while continuing to walk at speed..
“Yeah but I didn’t say anything”
How fun it would have been if he crashed into the Scientologist standing in front of him at that point!
“Yeah exactly, you walked into me and tutted buddy. Have a nice day”

This aggression will not stand!


Kick Up The Fire AXE Singer Kenny



Kenny Wastell leaves Kick Up The Fire because he has a bad back. Kick Up The Fire find immediate replacement.

Mondays are rubbish!

May or may not have sent this to HR by mistake….


I would like to complain about the boy that sits next to me ?????? ??????.

This afternoon, when I was having a rest from the screen after working the whole day. He decided to take the date stamp and stamp my wrist. I now have today’s date stamped on my wrist in red ink.

I think that not only will it stay for a couple of days, and be out of date. It is also a waste of company resources.

I knew that he had done it on purpose as he smiled afterwards and didn’t apologise.

Yours Sincerely,


A Quincy.

True Story.

I was recently reminded of a fascinating tale involving Quincy Jones, the legendary record producer. The story starts with Quincy attending a high society dinner party. It reached the time in the evening where he had to excuse himself to use the host’s lavatory. After some time had passed — without a word to the host or any other guests — Quincy left the lavatory and walked straight out of the front door and down the driveway.

Taking the 'Quincy'

Five or ten minutes later the doorbell rang and the host opened the door to find Quincy’s butler standing in front of him with a toilet plunger in one hand. The butler introduced himself and explained that he had arrived to unblock the toilet. He made his way to the lavatory and went about his business before leaving the party. Neither the butler nor Quincy were to return.

From this day onwards, when you block a toilet with a huge poo, please be informed that this is called a ‘Quincy’. I recently did a ‘Quincy’ myself. I really wish I had a butler with a plunger though.

Much Love,


Lionel Ritchie.

So it’s your first date, old chum. But you’ll be fine, God knows you’ve had a few. Some right fine minge I might add.

You’ve just put on your raddest cravat, washed your balls and unfolded your dragon kimono ready for slip-into-something-comfortable moments. Maybe you’ll have a spot of dinner and then head down to the happening discoteque to show the lucky lady your attractive moves on the floor, just to reinforce the fact that you’ll be powerful, limber and smooth in the sack later. It’s up to her really though, because you’re all about ladies first. You’re sensitive to these things but Christ, you’re no jessie either. She’ll see.

If you are lucky enough to go home with Gertrude and you’re having a glass of wine, chatting in the living room, your leg on the coffee table to show off your package in tight trousers (occasionally looking at it and then at her to remind her of said package), you should definitely play – which in my opinion is the sexiest song ever written – Lionel Ritchie’s All Night Long. It is not only written to make people feel sexy inside and make you want to suddenly jump out of your orange sofa and rhythmically pelvic thrust, it’s also perfect for a date as it sends the perfect messages to your first date/casual shag –

1. You’re a rad man.
2. You’re saying you are capable, willing and insistent to go All Night Long with her.
3. You don’t like no nancy-ass tunes.

Best, (I hate when people say ‘Best’, they sound like wankers.)

T x

No fun for Jim’s dad…

I was at the Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zero’s gig the other night. A very pleasant evening. Then I get hit by a plastic cup with warm beer in it, I presume for standing up (please note – the band themselves were of stage at this point). I turned round ready to rumble, armed with my very own plastic cup with warm beer in, ready to pounce and I’m staring directly at the only seated guy.

Frozen as I realised….. “HOLY SHIT, Jim’s Dad!”;

Seconds after working out it wasn’t Jim’s dad and still in shock (as I was expecting someone a lot younger – with less respect for a £5 warm beer). I may have given a little verbal abuse and most definitely did let rip with a good old fashioned laugh when the next song started and everyone was on their feet dancing.

What is it with the old folks these days!

Goodnight and look after each other X S