Lionel Ritchie.

So it’s your first date, old chum. But you’ll be fine, God knows you’ve had a few. Some right fine minge I might add.

You’ve just put on your raddest cravat, washed your balls and unfolded your dragon kimono ready for slip-into-something-comfortable moments. Maybe you’ll have a spot of dinner and then head down to the happening discoteque to show the lucky lady your attractive moves on the floor, just to reinforce the fact that you’ll be powerful, limber and smooth in the sack later. It’s up to her really though, because you’re all about ladies first. You’re sensitive to these things but Christ, you’re no jessie either. She’ll see.

If you are lucky enough to go home with Gertrude and you’re having a glass of wine, chatting in the living room, your leg on the coffee table to show off your package in tight trousers (occasionally looking at it and then at her to remind her of said package), you should definitely play – which in my opinion is the sexiest song ever written – Lionel Ritchie’s All Night Long. It is not only written to make people feel sexy inside and make you want to suddenly jump out of your orange sofa and rhythmically pelvic thrust, it’s also perfect for a date as it sends the perfect messages to your first date/casual shag –

1. You’re a rad man.
2. You’re saying you are capable, willing and insistent to go All Night Long with her.
3. You don’t like no nancy-ass tunes.

Best, (I hate when people say ‘Best’, they sound like wankers.)

T x


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