Today’s topic is Geography.
Why you ask? Well, because I can.
It would be wrong to criticise a whole county in the UK based on stereotypes and it’s general grim approach, but I’m going to anyway. So leave now if you’re from somewhere abysmal like Dumpford, Pie-ache or Shabness.
I don’t know why, but English counties have decided that, much like American states, they need slogans. I understand the American patriotism and general optimism but come on, how can you call Kent, ‘The Garden Of England’? It has Gravesend and Dartford in it! Norfolk boasts the title ‘Time To Explore’ but we all know that most of Norfolk is flat, black earthed and fucking boring. So unless they are exploring incest to a further degree I might be sceptical. Derbyshire invites you to ‘Take A Peak’ but I reckon that’s because it’s shit if you actually take a long gaze or indeed, a short stay. Essex states ‘Real Essex’ as opposed to a lack lustre version of orange people and binge drinking. The tiny county of Rutland boasts the best of all, claiming that you’ll ‘Discover 100% of real England right here in Rutland.’ Rutland is mostly Jane Austin cottages and castles owned by lords that shoot pheasents and say things like: “If it wasn’t for ruddy Lord Higginbottom, I would still have the offshore mediatacity I always ruddy had…” or something. So to say that the entire outlook and personality of England can be summed up from Rutland would be to say that all hoodies will break your legs and that people that wear red jeans are all dickheads (smirk). And finally ‘Our Style Is Legendary’ is ambitiously shouted from Nottinghamshire. Now, I’m no style guru, but when was the last time you heard someone say: “You know whose style is legendary? Definitely Nottinghamshire’s”.
I’m just saying.
“Choose Suffolk”. As no one else will.