Dear Mr. Wicks,
We have made changes to our banking to benefit our customers with the best service we can provide. As of the 1st October we will extend the TRB 900 to 12% dissatisfactory whilst keeping a steady percentage level of GBH and FYI, giving you Bosom credit up to 8% and interest free dry heaves.
In order to do this however, the bank has decided to designate one senior employee from each U.K branch to come round to your house personally and bugger you into next week. This will be followed by the executive level positions of our team, who will ensure the sodomising continues until further notice.
If you have any questions or queries about this new service, do not hesitate to call me at my desk between the hours of 9.00am and 9.03am on the number below for an informal chat.
David Sodomy (Branch Manager)