I went to Download festival last weekend and it was mostly shit, I couldn’t believe how ugly everyone was and how dumb they all looked. At one point, I took a trip out of the shade for a few moments to check out Limp Biscuit. I thought it would be a laugh, but it wasn’t. That fat oaf Durst was still bellowing and cod-rapping his way through every song like they still meant the world to him… A micro-moment of wondering who he was trying to kid took hold of me but was instantly dispelled as the big screen switched from Durst’s gurning chops to a swooping shot of the crowd. Going apeshit. In 2009. Their socially unacceptable faces and behaviour put me in mind of some of the Ork battle scenes in Lord Of The Rings and I just knew I didn’t belong.

Having said that, Faith No More were amazing.

Hotdogs were five quid, I bought about six of them over the course of the weekend because, even though they were five quid, they were still the best value meal you could get. I took loads of food with me but it wasn’t satisfying because it wasn’t hot. I just sat in the shade of the tent stuffing wheat crunchies in tesco value pitta into my mouth for ages before giving in and buying the hotdog. Again and again and again…

I got quite drunk on Saturday night and as a result puked up in a services car park after begging an early lift home on Sunday morning, I turned round from my chosen curbside area mid-puke and stared straight into the enthralled face of a little blond toddler and I felt bad. Poor thing, I bet he thought I was just a bit poorly….. The inncence of youth.



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