I have to take a crowded train into London Bridge every morning. Recently I realised that I am severely allergic to Head and Shoulders shampoo. When I encounter the product I break out in a sneezing outburst that resembles an exorcism. This can continue for over half an hour, and my record is 13 individual sneezes in a row. In certain circles this statistic will be praised. The worst aspect of my sneezing fits is the way it physically takes control of my whole body. So a crowded train isn’t the most ideal situation to be in. Being stuck on the train, in between city workers and dogs could turn out interesting (my favourite word of the week!). The unlucky victim could potentially become violent. I was ready, armed with my three ton book and an apologetic look.
Short man (who always gets on the same train with his 300 year old titanic of a suitcase), reading the Sun is pushed down the carriage. Why one man with only four strands of hair would continue to wash it bewilders me. I’m caught. I can’t move. I’m trapped. The emergency cord is to far away. I no longer can utter a warning, my speech is disabled. The victim has been selected; my hands are trapped beside me. There is going to be an explosion of shit coming from my nose any minute now on this mans head and it could continue for the remainder of the journey. I’m trying so hard to hold it in. I look like someone tied up trying to escape. Some people make loud noises while sneezing, I make fucking loud noises. But this time they were slightly silenced by the trains entry into the station.
Four sneezes later, one direct hit straight onto the little mans head. A further bullet of liquid flashed past his left shoulder, making its impact onto his newspaper just below the headline. I wiped of my mess from his head for him. I caught his disgusted look before the doors opened. I Zipped into the crowd and was never seen again. If the little bald man, carrying the trunk on the 810 morning train from Brockley reads this. There are plenty of things worse than someone sneezing on you. For example, having a sneezing fit while taking a piss! Painful and Messy!
Apart from sitting at the desk all day, dreaming of our next show……
I have become a Newspaper Editor. I have officially boycotted free newspapers, I edit one free newspaper a day (typically wither the London Paper or the Lite) with a marker pen and leave it on the tube. Join Me!
Join us this Friday at the Dirty South!
If you Dorks don’t come, I am going to sneeze in you faces!