Geog.

Today’s topic is Geography.

Why you ask? Well, because I can.

It would be wrong to criticise a whole county in the UK based on stereotypes and it’s general grim approach, but I’m going to anyway. So leave now if you’re from somewhere abysmal like Dumpford, Pie-ache or Shabness – or if you are from the wonderful band Burgundy, who we manlove very deeply.

I don’t know why, but English counties have decided that, much like America, they need slogans. I understand the American patriotism and general optimism but come on, how can you call Kent, ‘The Garden Of England’? It has Gravesend and Dartford in it [that's the Burgundyphobic bit out of the way]! Norfolk boasts the title ‘Time To Explore’ but we all know that most of Norfolk is flat, black earthed and fucking boring. So unless they are exploring incest to a further degree I might be sceptical. Derbyshire invites you to ‘Take A Peak’ but I reckon that’s because it’s shit if you actually take a long gaze or indeed, a short stay. Essex states ‘Real Essex’ as opposed to a lack lustre version of orange people and binge drinking. The tiny county of Rutland boasts the best of all, claiming that you’ll’Discover 100% of real England right here in Rutland.’ Rutland is mostly Jane Austin cottages and castles owned by lords that shoot pheasents and say things like: “If it wasn’t for ruddy Lord Higginbottom, I would still have the offshore mediatacity I always ruddy had…” or something. And finally ‘Our Style Is Legendary’ is ambitiously shouted from Nottinghamshire. Now I’m not a style guru, but when was the last time you heard someone say: “You know whose style is legendary? Nottinghamshire’s”.

I’m just saying.

This numpty summed it up without realizing:

“Choose Suffolk”. As no one else will.

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