Geog.

Today’s Topic is Geography.

Why you ask? Well, because I can.

It would be wrong to critize a whole county in the UK based on stereotypes and it’s general grim approach, but I’m going to anyway, so leave now if your from somewhere abysmal like Dumpford, Pie-ache or Shabness.

I don’t know why, but English Countys have decided that much like America that they need slogans. I understand the American patriotism and general optimism, but come on, how can you call Kent, ‘The Garden Of England’? It has Gravesend and Dartford in it! Norfolk boasts the title ‘Time To Explore’, but we all know that most of Norfolk is flat, black earthed, and fucking boring. So unless they are exploring incest to a further degree, I might be skeptical. Derbyshire invites you to ‘Take A Peak’, but I reckon that’s because it’s shit if you actually take a long gaze or indeed, a short stay. Essex states ‘Real Essex’, as opposed to a lack lustre version of orange people and binge drinking. The tiny county of Rutland boasts the best of all, claiming that you’ll:’Discover 100% of real England right here in Rutland.’ Rutland is mostly Jane Austin cottages and castles owned by lords that shoot pheasents and say things like “If it wasn’t for ruddy Lord Higginbottom, I would still have the offshore mediatacity I always ruddy had…” Or something. And finally, ‘Our Style Is Legendary’ was ambitiously shouted from Nottinghamshire. Now, I’m not a style guru, but when was the last time you heard someone say; ‘You know whose style is legendary? Nottinghamshire’s’.

I’m just saying.

This numpty summed it up without realizing:

“Choose Suffolk”. As No one else will.

T x

Updation.

Happy New Year!

Let’s get that out of the way.

Firstly, we want to thank everyone for their continued support, and of course those who are indifferent and couldn’t give a flying one. We love you just as much, as you make up 99% of the worlds population. The Dalai Lama and Tom Selleck are also in that percentage, so we like your kind very much. You are wise, if not slightly irritating to be around.

Kick Up The Fire are currently working on our second EP, a more sylish, spacious and raw sound developing from the early demos. Kenny’s riffs and medlodies are stronger than ever, whilst our rhythm section is as tight as a bum. A tight bum that is (See Tom Selleck circa Magnum). They’ll be more on that soon. Unless of course you don’t hear from us. Then there wasn’t more to come. There was less.

Also, BBC Radio have twice played us via Tom Robinson and our friends at Cougar Microbes.

Lastly, a special shout out to the entire continent of South America. We got sent our annual blog stats report and I had no idea someone in Costa Rica, Brazil and Chile had all visited more than once. But the biggest has to go to you Sir/Madam in Costa Rica, as you read my guide to Fluffers and Fluffing and lingered there for quite some time.

Lots of love and hope to see you all in the new year at a venue or saloon.

Kick Up The Fire

Charity Video

I have to convince the whole band first of course, but all it will take is three pints, my cigarette pack rinsed and a ‘You know what’d be fucking funny…’

(If this post stays up and you are reading this) then I’d like to announce the band will be putting out a promotional video for AIDS charity.

It will be a music video with the three of us greased up and in girls pyjamas, miming and dancing (choreographed) to Erasure’s 1980′s hit ‘A Little Respect’, possibly having a pillow fight and acting out suggestive night time activities. 

That is all I can say about it at the moment until the rest of the band send me abusive and threatening messages. Then I shall of course post them as quotes in my next blog.

This was also our 100th blog post. Our highlights include Alan slamming Lily Allen, Kenny’s war against the racist and oppresive regime of Addison Lee, Andrew abusing Jim’s Dad at Edward Sharpe and the popular guide to being a fluffer.

You’re bloody welcome, T x

Milow (You wierd bastard)

Whilst lying sloth-like in my hotel room scratching myself, I was watching a German music channel and came across Milow’s Michel Gondry-esque video for the song You And Me. I only started to pay attention around the second verse when I realized the apparent cutesy lyrics were in fact the ramblings of an obsessed psychopath. May I turn your attention to fig #1 -

“I wish you were a little slower
Not just slow but paralyzed
Then I could plug you into a socket
So you could never run away”

Now, sweet corny lyrics aside, if I was to say this to my girlfriend I think she might, whilst humouring me for reasons of worry and wellbeing, be reaching for the phone or the cutlery drawer.

Lastly just to show you it wasn’t a one off moment of serial killer madness, let me draw your attention to fig #2.

“I wish you were a little bigger
Not just big but really fat
Doors you would no longer fit through
In my bed you would have to stay
I often wish that you had feathers
I’d keep you in a giant cage
All day long I’d sit and watch you
I’d sing for you and that would be okay”

I rest my case.

Much Love,

T x

Man In The Mirror

On the train this morning this guy was singing very very very quietly to his headphones. I couldn’t work out whether he was slightly mental or just very passionate for 6.30 in the morning.

We were all packed in tight but I couldn’t resist trying out a few harmonies ontop of his beautiful lilting tones.

We sang Man In The Mirror by Michael Jackson together and he’ll never know that we did. I even did the ‘Wo’s’ in the outro whilst he continued the chorus cycle.

I wanted to hug him afterward but I had to just fight that urge and pretend our moment of magic never happened….Boo-hoo. Fucking Boo-hoo.

Much Love

T x

Law Of The Land.

“In Liverpool, it is illegal for a woman to be topless in public except as a clerk in a tropical fish store.”

True law….

Much love

www.makemeafluffer.com

Well well. It appears more and more people have been searching fluffer related terms after my original fluffers and fluffing guide. Through our blog we can find as many as 80 google searches for advice and employment information. Too bad they only got my blatently uninformed, novice guide, but beggars can’t be choosers it seems.

Therefore, me being such a charitable son of a bitch I thought I’d make a web page for it on my lunch hour. Yup, you are now looking at the new owner of Make Me A Fluffer.com, you lucky dogs. The ‘quick-question and answer and FAQ’ page is going to be fucking laugh.

Should you frequent my site, (you dirty slag) you can expect more a less this much content -

* Your short Guide To Fluffers And Fluffing
* Where To Start: The Art of Handling
* Practicing At Home
* Ask The Expert (About Fluffing)
* Photos (Of Fluffing) (Probably Not Safe For Work)
* Become A Member (Haven’t thought this bit through yet)

Expect www.makemeafluffer.com up this week.

Much love,

T x

Fashion!

Had I been at my sexual peek in the early 1970′s, I would’ve definitely donned these non-creased, high fashion threads. It wouldn’t have mattered that I looked like a paedophile at a garden party, because everyone else did too.

Much love x

Reagan.

“Facts are stupid things.”

- Ronald Reagan, Former U.S. President

Lyrics. Good ones. Even Better Than ‘Smack That’ Lyrics.

Sometimes in lyric writing, it’s good to be obvious. Expression is expression and no matter what you write you don’t need dictation or teaching in how to craft feeling. Though this bird could maybe do with a few pointers. There’s being obvious and then there’s telling someone that they want your penis in their vagina, and tonight if possible.

From the early nineties here’s the timeless classic ‘Think Of You’ by Whigfield. It makes me feel sexy inside.

When I think of you (x3)
I need your body tonight.
And now you’ve got me singing I need you inside me tonight.

I got me feeling and now it is part of me
You got me reeling right into the heart of me;
Dont keep me waiting, coz I need your body tonight.

And now you’ve got me singing I need you inside me tonight.

Fuck me the nineties were depressing. Much love x